托福写作范文的低分分析-头尾太随便
发布：深圳环球雅思英语学校 点击数： 发布时间：2013-9-10 17:07:01
摘要: 深圳环球雅思小编为考生带来托福写作禁忌：头尾太随便，考生可以借鉴参考一下，以下是具体内容： 希望通过下面的托福写作范文的低分分析，是考生们认识到自己错在哪?什么地方需要改进。 题目：anewacquiantanceofyoursisth
深圳环球雅思小编为考生带来托福写作禁忌：头尾太随便，考生可以借鉴参考一下，以下是具体内容：
希望通过下面的托福写作范文的低分分析，是考生们认识到自己错在哪?什么地方需要改进。
题目：a new acquiantance of yours is thinking about studying your native language. how would u convince him or her that this would be a good decision? use specific reasons and details in your response.
in my point of view, there are a lot of reasons why one should study my native language-chinese. here are some of them.
china is acountry with a long and amazing history.and the chinese culture is beautiful and captivating.and normally, the language is the key to know a whole new culture. i think chinese is very interesting and mysterious. not only the spoken chinese, but also the characters are form thousands of years ago and is created by our ancesters with great wisdom. with the ability of reading and speaking chinese, people would be able to read some splendid works like by confucious and .
in addition, i think that learning a new language can test people's ability of imitating and train his or her brain. because studying is a life-long task and is significant throughout one"s life. and learning a language especially enrich his or her live and make people wiser.
last but not least, nowadays chinese is the language which is spoken by the most people in the entire world. this indicates that the ability to speak chinese is very important in working and living. the lastest reserch shous that several countries are short of chinese teachers, therefore as the chinese old saying goes, the things that rare are precious. and the people with this skill may get a really good job with high salary. then we can see the importance of learning chinese in the presence world.
as a conclusion, from all the reasons above, chinese is worth leaning adn is of great importance, i suggest people to learn and experience its beauty.
评论：
头尾太随便,这是个硬伤.
每段论述上也还是有些问题,第一段写的其实ok，但“the language is the key to know a whole new culture”其实可以提前一点，这样中心句更清楚。第二段草草了事，而且像是硬凑出来的一个point，因为说的都是学习新语言的好处，但新语言一定是汉语么?最后一段论述有点稍显武断，因为都是结论性的话。
语言我觉得不错了，主要问题在论述逻辑和论述过程上，另外结构上还不够清楚严谨，中心句放在段首会比较好，中国学生最坏的习惯就是写到那里是哪里，比如第二段三句话其实表达的是三个不同的意思，第一句说可以测试能力，第二句说学习的意义，第三局又说学习语言可以丰富人的生活让人更聪明，那么哪句话才是你想要表达的意思呢?等于你=就是开无轨电车一样写了三句话堆砌在一起就不管了，老外看了会觉得你思路不清，也就不明白你想说什么。
由于第二段的硬伤和某些结构上的问题，30分的满分我觉得最多拿到20-23分左右，如果第二段写的像第一段那样思路清晰，也许可以拿到25分左右，如果头尾段再慎重点把3个point重申好，可能就是篇27-28的好文章了，要知道这个题目没有问要不要学习汉语，而是要找理由支持学习汉语，所以是属于main idea已经给出的，这种情况下，头尾不重申自己的3个point,文章结构上问题就很明显了。
结构和思维逻辑是托福作文和雅思作文最关键的东西，永远不要堆砌句子和观点。
小编预祝各位在考试中取得优异的成绩。
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