托福独立写作资料（2）
发布：深圳环球雅思英语学校 点击数： 发布时间：2013-9-12 16:51:11
摘要: rater’scomments thiswell-developedessaymeetsallthecriteriaforearningascoreof5.thewriterdevelopsthetopicthroughadetailed
rater’s comments
this well-developed essay meets all the criteria for earning a score of 5. the writer develops the topic through a detailed discussion of independence and of the suitability of living independently. the essay is unified and coherent. sentence structure is varied, especially in paragraphs 2 and 3. the writer does not use high-level vocabulary, but word choice is correct throughout. there are minor errors (“university graduated students,” “fulfill their necessities”), but these in no way interrupt the flow or meaning of the essay.
score 5 essay—sample 2
independence! who doesn’t want independece? but the bigger question is how much of an independence is being discussed here? generally, when teenagers grow up, their needs and habit of living change. some would like their parents to be in control of the major decisions of their lives, while on the other hand, some would not like their parents to be involved in any sort of decision making process of their lives. in my opinion, the young adults should always consult their parents as their guides. i will try to demonstrate my point in the following paragraphs.
let’s assume a teenager grows up into a young adult. now a major decision that he/she might have had to make was to what college/university they were going to attend. if we assume that the person seek complete independence from the early age, then they are generally going to make the decision themselves. but even if they made this desicion by themself, what is the probability that this is the best desicion. we all would agree that the best lesson learned is from a mistake, but why even let that happen? this is the most important decision they would have to make so far, and if they don’t ask around, if they don’t look at the wider picture, how are they supposed to end up at their very best opportunity? this is what is known as a making/breaking point because this decision of theirs can make or break a very powerful potential future.
now, suppose they passed the first make/break point. then comes another one when they are going to marry. normally, in the western culture, the man and the woman choose their marriage partners themselves, so this is not much of an important issue here. but, what about the cultures that predominantly have arranged marriages? in that case, choosing a husband or a wife could be a huge decision, because generally the marriages are not as easily broken as in the western culture. so, when it comes to this point, one would definately want to know their parents thinking and their previous experiance. this could come in very handy when one has a choice to make.
to sum it up, it is very good idea to ask for parents guides, and is never a bad a idea to give up a part of independence for a better future.
rater’s comments
this essay has a rather informal, conversational tone and an “argument” that is coherently an (fully developed. sentence structure is varied throughout, and the writer consistently demonstrate~ command of language and english idioms, especially by using various informal expression~ (“let’s assume,” “we would all agree,” “can make or beak” “come in very handy”). the essay meets all the criteria for a score of 5.
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